Individual therapy
We work with adults over 18 on a wide range of life issues, as you can see from the list on the right hand side of the screen. Avigail and Ian are both interested in what people can become and what they can do to fulfil their potential. At the core we are humanistic and existential, which means that we treat our clients as human beings and not as objects. We know that there is much more to a person than the problems and difficulties that bring them to therapy.
There are many reasons why people find it hard to be all they can be, and our job is to help our clients work through these so that they can remove the obstacles that can get in their way. We treat therapy as a joint venture between the therapist and the client — in professional jargon this is called ‘therapeutic alliance’. This means that we see our role more as facilitators and ‘companions on the journey’ rather than as ‘experts’ whose job is to ‘fix’ people. Good therapy is an encounter between two human beings, not between a machine and a technician….
As humanistic therapists we believe that people deep down have the answers to their problems. Our job is to help our clients discover their own answers rather than to tell them what to do. We really don’t think it is possible for one human being to ‘fix’ another, but we certainly believe that if we work together, a lot is possible.
We believe that the purpose of therapy is to help people become independent and autonomous and not only to make uncomfortable symptoms go away. Symptoms, as unpleasant and uncomfortable as they might be, can be a blessing in disguise; something in us that alerts us that not all is well and there are things about ourselves and the way we live that we must pay attention to.
Although we expect individuals to take responsibility for their own journey, we do not focus on people in isolation. We never forget that people live within rich life contexts of work and relationships. As individuals we have an impact on our environment, but our environment also has an impact on us. We don’t live in a perfect world and we know that people have to get on with things ‘out there’. So while we believe that individuals have a significant say in what happens to them we never promote the idea that ‘if you only fix yourself up everything will be OK’. Things are usually not that simple. So when people start to look at what goes wrong for them, they often also have to look at their relationships and their home and work environments to make sure that there are no harmful elements there. An example could be living or working with abusive people. Part of good therapy can be making important decisions about one’s direction, purpose and living and work conditions. It usually takes some time for people to get to a point where they can make those decisions. We have seen countless clients reach a level of maturity and strength that allows them to make necessary external changes to their lives so that they can continue to develop.
Another reason we don’t see therapy as a purely individualistic endeavour is that we know that as a human race we are all connected. For example, we all know now that global environmental problems are not confined to any one part of the planet. We are all affected by what is happening to the world’s climate, and in order to deal with these problems successfully we must work together.
We think that every human being who (for whatever reason) misses out on becoming all they can be, is a loss to all of us. We are passionate about helping individuals make the most of who they are because we want people to be happy and fulfilled, but we also believe that this will benefit the whole of humanity. The more people develop maturity (or act out of their ‘captain’) the better the world will be for everyone.
Don’t get the idea that we push our clients to become political or social activists. We don’t ‘push’ our clients to do anything. But these are the things we believe and that give our work a sense of meaning and purpose. We work with ourselves all the time to make sure that we can be the best companions for our clients as they embark on the courageous journey of therapy. One of Avigail’s teachers, Hugh Crago, once said that ‘therapy is not for the faint hearted’. Therapy can be difficult and painful, especially if we have a lot of healing from past hurts and traumas to go through, and we all have our baggage. But it is also an inspiring journey that leads to a much richer, freer and more fulfilling existence.
Relationship therapy
In relationship therapy the real client is not the individual but the relationship. We are not invested in keeping people together or separating them. Our job is to do what is best for the relationship. Like with individual therapy we seek to develop a therapeutic alliance with the couple and have a shared understanding of the goals and purpose of therapy.
Couples come to therapy for many reasons and relationship therapy can be a great vehicle to creating a satisfying and safe relationship for both partners where they can continue to grow together. If there are children involved it is even more important to invest in the parents’ relationship because as family therapists we know that it is the parents’ personalities and the quality of their relationship that set the tone for the entire family.
The human brain develops in response to the emotional environment we grow up in. Neuroscience tells us that our brains are literally sculpted by the emotional atmosphere and the relationships that are around us in our infancy. It is easy to see why it is so important for parents to develop their own maturity and the maturity of their relationship. It’s much more than setting the right example for the children. It’s about how the children’s brains will develop. (For more information on this particular point we recommend the book Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel.)
Ultimately we believe that to have a satisfying relationship, both partners need to be committed to their own individual growth and work to increase their level of maturity as much as possible. Unfortunately, relationships based on emotional dependency, immaturity or avoidance of issues do lead to a great deal of suffering and do not have a positive effect on children.
Working together as a couple has benefits that don’t exist in purely individual therapy, and couple work can be very inspiring and life-changing. It amazes us every time when suddenly in a session a couple really meet and see each other as human beings for the first time, often after many years of just living along side each other. It’s easy to slip into life’s routines and lose touch with one another. For many people closeness and intimacy can be scary or strange and many people don’t realise how little they really know or trust their partner. But everyone knows when their relationship is causing them pain, or is empty or lonely. Therapy provides the safe space that is needed for people to experiment with being together differently so that they can then take these experiences out of the therapy room and into their real life.
We work with couples together as co-therapists. Because couple therapy can be more complex and intense than individual therapy we find working together more effective and more balanced. Having a male and a female perspective in the room can also be very helpful.
Our work with couples includes among other things teaching and practicing communication skills, emotional skills and conflict resolution. These help from the start to establish the good will and safety that may have been eroded over years of dissatisfaction, disappointment or conflict. As with individual therapy there are no quick fixes and we can’t ‘do it’ for the clients. Couples like individuals, have to be committed to their journey together, and practice new skills and ways of being with each other so that they can move forward.
