Emergencies
Fully Human is a private psychotherapy practice. It is not an emergency service and it does not provide around-the-clock urgent or crisis help.
If you are in some kind of trouble, if you are contemplating taking your own life or someone else’s, if you are under threat, are a victim of abuse, violence or coercive control and do not feel safe where you are or if you just need to talk to someone, there are services that can help you.
Coercive Control & Child Abuse
Coercive control — Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is a pattern of acts — control, assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation, belittling — used to harm, punish or frighten a victim. It is designed to create dependency by isolating the victim from support, exploiting them, and controlling their everyday life. Ordinary, otherwise healthy people, do not take any pleasure from, or have any need to control others no matter how unhappy they might be. Perpetrators of abuse and control are not just angry or unhappy people who happen to be going through a hard time. Abuse and control is their pattern of relating to others, and they are always on the lookout for someone to control.
• Children are severely harmed by growing up in an atmosphere of coercive control, even if they are not directly targeted. Children depend on the non-abusive parent for protection from the abusive parent.
• Abusers often compete with their children on the other parent’s affection and attention. They may also recruit the children as suppliers and include them in the abusive pattern, which isn’t always physical. Abusers are people who treat others as resources not as human beings in their own right.
• Perpetrators of domestic abuse and control in families where there are children need to be seen automatically as unfit parents who are dangerous for children’s safety healthy development. (I intend to lobby the Scottish government to change the current law to close the gap between the National child protection guidance and the laws about ‘parental rights’. At the moment children’s rights are secondary to the rights of adults despite the Child protection guidance).
• Domestic abuse and child abuse in all their forms thrive on isolation and secrecy.
• Abuse always happens in the context of an imbalance of power — victims are either powerless for whatever reason (gender, ethnicity, financial circumstances, immigration status, pre-existing childhood trauma, etc) — or are made to feel powerless by the person who is controlling them. Abuse and control are less likely when all parties have equal power.
• Victims, especially children and young people, often do not report what is being done to them. They may not have the strength, or they are too confused and frightened to reach out. Perpetrators frequently threaten their victims that if they tell, the perpetrator will harm them further, or harm someone else they care about. Victims may also feel loyalty to the perpetrator if it is a close family member.
• Victims of abuse of all ages and genders often feel guilty or stupid, or are made to believe that what is being done to them is somehow their fault. It is not. Victimhood is never the victim’s fault. Human predators are opportunists who take advantage of the vulnerability of others. They can appear charming and are often skilled at what they do. Abuse may not start from the start of the relationship. Abusers may appear harmless at first, which is intended to cause potential victims to ignore early warning signs or question if they’re making a big deal out of nothing. Abuse typically develops gradually and escalates over time. Escalation increases as the abuser feels more confident that the victim is properly trapped.
• Gaslighting is making someone doubt their reality and their experience. It’s not merely lying. It is a common way for perpetrators to increase control by making people question their sanity and making them feel more vulnerable.
• There is no excuse for abuse and it’s never the victim’s fault. Anyone can become a victim of abuse or control. Abusers tell their victims the abuse is their fault, but there is nothing the victim do to prevent it except getting out.
• Not all abusers were abused themselves. Personality disorders are not always a result of childhood maltreatment.
• Perpetrators often oscillate between aggressive, coercive behaviour and behaving like a victim. They pull the ‘victim’ card — eg. ‘I had a difficult childhood’, ‘My boss is nasty to me’, etc. — when they feel their victim might be slipping away.
• It’s OK to feel sorry for an abuser but the approach needs to be ‘compassion from a distance’. Close relationship inevitably will result in harm to the victim.
• Perpetrators of abuse are alarmed whenever they see any sign that their victim has an independent sense of self or reality (own thoughts, feelings, memories, hobbies, likes and dislikes etc), or if they have other supportive relationships. Any attempt by someone to isolate you from healthy family or social relationships including with your own children, expressing your thoughts and feelings, or to prevent you from engaging in healthy activities you enjoy is a warning sign.
• It is also a myth that people who were abused will turn out to be abusers. Some may, but most don’t.
• We can make it harder for perpetrators by not allowing them to isolate their victims, by listening carefully when someone speaks up, and by taking what we hear seriously. Children in particular depend on adults around them noticing and reporting, because they so often cannot do so themselves.
If you are under immediate threat, contact the police as a matter of urgency or ask someone to do so for you.
The Scottish Women’s Rights Centre provides legal and advocacy support to women aged 16 and over affected by violence and abuse. Services include helplines, surgeries and legal representation. The SWRC is a collaboration between Rape Crisis Scotland (Scottish Charity No SCO25642), the University of Strathclyde Law Clinic and JustRight Scotland.
Here are a few options for crisis help and support:
• The Samaritans — 116 123 or by email at: jo@samaritans.org – Day or night, for anyone who’s struggling to cope, who needs someone to listen without judgement or pressure. Samaritans is not only for the moment of crisis, they’re taking action to prevent the crisis. They give people ways to cope and the skills to be there for others. They offer listening and support to people and communities in times of need.
• Breathing Space — 0800 83 85 87 — Breathing Space is a free, confidential, phone service for anyone in Scotland over the age of 16 experiencing low mood, depression or anxiety. (Opening hours: Monday-Thursday 6pm to 2am, Friday 6pm-Monday 6am. This service is for people in Scotland).
• SHOUT — Free crisis text line 85258 (24 hours, 7 days)
• CALM — 0800 58 58 58, 5pm to midnight
• Combat Stress — 0800 138 1619, text 07537 173 683, email: helpline@combatstress.org.uk — 24-hour mental health helpline for anyone currently serving or who has served in the UK Armed Forces, and for their families and carers.
If you’re currently serving or have served in the UK Armed Forces, you can call the 24-hour mental health helpline. If you’re a family member or carer worried about the mental health of a loved one, or need to talk to someone yourself, you can call the helpline too.
• Scottish Women’s Aid — 0800 027 1234
Scottish Women’s Aid Scottish is the lead organisation in Scotland working towards the prevention of domestic abuse.
• Rape Crisis Scotland (6pm to midnight daily) — 08088 01 03 02
The Rape Crisis Scotland National Helpline provides crisis support for anyone in Scotland affected by sexual violence at any time in their lives.
• Young people in the Scottish Highlands — 01463 70 55 97
Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) based on the Raigmore Hospital Site.
• Young people anywhere in the UK:
- PAPYRUS — Prevention of Young Suicide UK
HOPELineUK: 0800 068 41 41
- YoungMinds — A charity committed to improving the emotional wellbeing and mental health of children and young people
Parents’ Helpline: 0808 802 5544
• You can also contact your GP, the police, the emergency line 999 if it is an emergency, or NHS24: 111.